My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
