and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
