How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
