i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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