i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
