WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
