Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
MIDGETS
????
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
