I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
