i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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