I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
