I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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