I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
