i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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