The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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