Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
