I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
