You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Randomize
