david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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