I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All the doctor said was why
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
