The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
