My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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