I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
