I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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