just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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