I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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