They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
