I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
