Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
