Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
