my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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