Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We had sex on a dog bed..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
