Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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