so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
