my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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