Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
