so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
