She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize