i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
