Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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