I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
did i just pee glitter
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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