God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
