I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
