the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
