new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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