woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
