So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
