You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
