I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
