I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
