I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He has the fingertips of a God
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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