Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
