I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
