Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
