My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
