She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
