oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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