I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
