Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
