I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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